Third Letter to Libby

On September 1, 2016August 1, 2019 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized4 Comments

Hey Libby,

Well, I guess you know by now that your mom is no longer down here on earth, she was ready to leave but she is really going to be missed. I am assuming that death looks completely different from your perspective than it does from here; you guys were probably eating and rejoicing at a banquet while were crying at a funeral.

Meanwhile, back here on earth (more specifically Flintstone) one of our cats (Gato) ran away and so now I’m down to just one cat (Ring). You know that I never really wanted a cat anyway and its obvious that Ring doesn’t really like me either, but our two granddaughters are fascinated by “Kitty Kitty” so I keep buying cat food and putting up with the dead critters that she and brings up on the porch.

Speaking of things that smell, how old is that cereal in the bottom of the pantry?

As you can see by the picture (unless photos get blocked up there) we had some fun with your car, actually it was Jerod’s idea to lift it, put on big tires, a winch, a luggage rack and some cool pink graphics so we could raffle it off to help build the playground that we had talked about.

Between raffling your car, donations, chili suppers, bracelet sales and corporate sponsors we raised over $80,000 for the playground. Maybe you’ve seen it just south of the church? Wait, I forgot, you never liked for me to give you directions that involved North, South, East or West…… just look between the gym and ball field where the gravel parking lot used to be, you can’t miss it.

Although many of the children who play on the Libby’s Living Legacy playground never met you and can’t fully comprehend the amount of work involved, they do know two things, it’s Miss Libby’s Playground and it is there because “Miss Libby loved children”.

I told you in my last letter about our 40th reunion of Chattanooga Valley High School (GO Eagles) coming up soon. The organizing committee for our reunion will hold a silent auction and donate the proceeds to your playground but its been a struggle getting everything together especially since you were the one that organized all of the reunions in the past. Do you have a file somewhere with all of that stuff in it?

As I mentioned above Nathan and Bethany have given us two two gorgeous granddaughters, Elizabeth Joy and Lydia Grace. I often daydream about you interacting with them and how many kisses you would have given them by now. The problem is, I’m loosing my ability to imagine your reactions when I see the girls do something new and different. That could be good, I guess, if it means that I am progressing further through the grieving process or it could be bad if it’s just old age.

Elizabeth was two years old in June and her mom and dad have been showing her your picture and telling her about her grandmother “Gibby” (That’s my name for you, again from one of my blog posts, maybe you saw it?). The girls will know what their grandmother Gibby looks like from all of the pictures and when they are old enough to read some of these stories, they will learn about their grandmother’s character, beliefs and love of others.

You would be very proud of our boys, they are doing great and both have been very supportive as I have struggled to regain my equilibrium for the past two and a half years. Jerod took over a lot of responsibility in the company which helped to keep me out of the mental hospital (so far). Nathan has started his residency in Murfreesboro and for the first time since kindergarten at CCS there is no more TUITION!

Did you ever write down your beef stroganoff recipe? Not that I would cook it because except for some fried bologna for a sandwich and scrambled eggs for Elizabeth, I haven’t used the stove. Don’t even ask about the oven, it’s as clean as it was the last time you saw it.

Everyone here misses you terribly, although they don’t come right out and say it to me. I’m sure its because they are concerned that if they bring your name up it will upset me or maybe “set me back”. Who knows, maybe they are right, besides no one wants to see a grown man cry.

Speaking of crying, are there really, “no more tears” in heaven and are the streets really made of gold or is that just a metaphor?

I guess my dad has had time to fill you in on the recent happenings in our little circle of friends and family. But then, again, you should know that dad had Alzheimer’s during his last two years here on earth so you may want to double check his facts since he was known to say some outrageous things just before he left here and most of them only happened in his head.

I’ll say bye for now.

Love you more….

Barry

“I’m Not Much On Flowers…”

On April 23, 2016August 1, 2019 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized3 Comments

444 The above photo was taken on a ski trip to Big Sky, Montana in Dr. Schlabach’s cabin.

When Libby and I first began dating I wanted to do everything possible to make a good impression and so I would purchase fresh flowers before our dates (because, that’s just what you did) but the bouquets never seemed to generate the excited response that I had expected.

After a few dates Libby finally admitted, “Barry, I really appreciate you going to all of the trouble, but I’m not much on flowers”, she explained that since flowers are so expensive and only last a little while, the money would be better spent on something else. “Wow,” I remember thinking, “This girl is awesome and she thinks logically just like me”, of course as time past, and we got to know each better, I still thought Libby was awesome but I can’t remember ever saying to myself again, “she thinks logically just like me!”

Because of her pragmatic view of flowers it was no surprise to me that 37 years later, when Libby and I were discussing her memorial service she would say, “Please ask people not to buy flowers, I want the money to go to a good cause, not wasted on flowers”, and I knew just the “… good cause…” for that money.

From the moment that Libby went into the hospital on New Year’s Day, friends and family asked if they could raise money or help in some other way and those constant offers to help were some of the reasons for setting up the Libby’s Living Legacy Fund. The initial goal of the fund was to raise $15,000 to build a small community playground but three months later as I was planning Libby’s memorial service the fund had already doubled that goal with no signs of slowing down.

Prior to Libby’s memorial service I asked that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to Libby’s Living Legacy for the sole purpose of building community playground to honor Libby’s love of children. It was a credit to Libby’s friends and family that there were almost no flowers at her memorial service but the playground account swelled to nearly $45,000 because Libby wasn’t “much on flowers”.

The attached video is from Libby’s Celebration of Life performed by Holly Rudge (left) on viola and her sister Bethany Gilley (right) on violin. Assisting Bethany is her daughter Elizabeth (lower right).

Made Perfect…

On March 25, 2016 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized3 Comments

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“But Honey,” I whined, “What does it matter if every single tassel on the stupid rug is pointed in one direction ?” The drama was repeated nearly every time I vacuumed the throw rug in the living room because, apparently, the tassels of the throw rug need to be “combed” into one uniform direction by the beater bar of the vacuum cleaner. To be clear, just in case the sarcasm didn’t work, I don’t like vacuuming and I definitely don’t like combing the tassels, which is what lead to more than one serious debate.

Ever since Libby and I were married I teased her about her perfectionist tendencies; whether she was remaking the bed because I allowed the sheet to hang over the edge one inch more on the right side than it did on the left side, or making sure the tassels mentioned above were “combed” before the vacuuming was finished. Libby lived by the old adage, “If its worth doing, its worth doing right”. While I, on the other hand, was blessed with no such tendencies.

Even though I teased her about being a perfectionist by calling her Miss Perfecto on occasion (okay, a lot, I called her Miss Perfecto a lot) Libby was way too humble to believe that anything she did neared the level of perfection and she certainly didn’t like for me to joke that she was perfect.

One day toward the middle of March while taking care of Libby, I was trying to determine what she needed and I asked, “Does your back hurt?”….”No”…” Are you cold?”…”No”… does your belly hurt?” each time she shook her head “No”. So I said, “Well if you are not hot or cold and nothing hurts then you must be perfect.” Libby shook her head, frowned at me with a disapproving look that I had seen many times in our 35 years of marriage, and said, “If I were perfect then I wouldn’t be sick and in this hospital bed.”

Later that same night I told Libby, “I feel so helpless, I wish there were something more I could do. I am so sorry this is happening to you.” Libby turned her head toward me (again with the frown) and said, “Barry, don’t feel sorry for me, I have the easy part, you’re the one who has the hard job.”

Incredulous, I asked, “What do you mean by that?” Libby’s answer still echos in my ears, even I as write these words exactly two years later, ” I mean,” she said, “My part is easy, all I have do is lay here while you take care of me for a few more days and then I will be in heaven, but you have to stay here and go on living without me.”

On March 25th it was just past midnight when I made the difficult decision to tell Libby something that, at the time, I didn’t really think she was able to hear, much less comprehend, becasue by then she had been asleep for three days solid. I remember saying, “Libby, I love you but you need to know that I will be okay. You were an amazing mom to our boys and although they will miss you, they will be fine. Bethany and our new granddaughter will be okay as well, you have fought hard but you don’t need to keep fighting for us.”

That was it, no long speech, no change in Libby’s expression and absolutely no indication that she heard it; instead there was a calm, spirit-filled peace that filled the room and I just remember thinking we would both rest better that night. I leaned over to tuck in Libby’s covers but as I did the loose board next to her bed squeaked and without ever opening her eyes, Libby strained upward for her kiss.

Caring Bridge entry March 25, 2014: … This morning a few minutes after 5 AM Libby was made PERFECT…

Our Love Song

On March 5, 2016July 31, 2019 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized5 Comments

Following Libby’s final oncologist’s appointment we settled into a routine with Hospice Care coming to our house twice a week and many of Libby’s dear friends volunteering to sit with her while I went to my office in a futile attempt to work.

By the end of February the cancer and the pain medications began to take their toll on the amount of conscious time that Libby had for visitors as I weighed the needs of Libby’s failing health against the well-intentioned desires of those wanting to see her. Weekends were especially busy around our house and Sunday February 23 rd was no exception as our friends Corey and Andrea had driven in from Nashville to see Libby but she was in a deep sleep by the time they had arrived.

Corey and Andrea Garcia were college friends of Nathan and Bethany while at Trevecca Nazarene University. Nathan and Corey’s friendship went back even further to kindergarten in our church when Libby was their teacher. Libby was a self-appointed surrogate mother to both Corey and Andrea during their college years as she encouraged and counseled them both during their courtship, marriage and Andrea’s fledgling music career.

Weeks before their visit, I asked Andrea if she would be interested in writing a song about Libby to tell our story. I had written an outline of sorts which described the “new love” during our dating years and how it changed into something much deeper as time went on. Then when faced with horrible news, how that new love turned into a “blue love” as both love and faith were tested. I went on to say that real love is not always some warm fuzzy feeling portrayed in the movies, it is a choice to love that one makes everyday. Now, it was obvious that I would never be mistaken for a songwriter so I left my ramblings with Andrea.

At 9:30 on that Sunday evening after Andrea and Corey had gone out for coffee with Nathan and Bethany, Libby woke up more responsive and more alert than she has been in weeks and asking, “Where is everybody?” I explained that it was late on a Sunday night and although a lot people had come by to visit, everyone was gone now.

After telling Libby the names of all of her visitors I explained that she had just missed Corey and Andrea so she asked me to call them. Within fifteen minutes Nathan, Bethany, Corey and Andrea arrived as Andrea pulled me aside before going into see Libby and said she had finished the song we had discussed and she asked if she could play it for her. I told her the timing was perfect and that she was very alert. The following video was recorded on that Sunday night using my cell phone then edited later to add photos:

I wrote this on the Caring Bridge entry that night after everyone had left, “I believe we have been given this time to say goodbye to someone that in my completely unbiased opinion, is the best wife, mother, teacher, counselor, prayer warrior, mentor and friend this world has ever seen.”