Déjà Vu All Over Again

On October 16, 2015October 16, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized1 Comment

Things happened quickly after Thanksgiving 2012: The metastasized breast cancer was biopsied, analyzed and charted, Libby had another port implanted and the drug protocol was established. On December 17, 2012 we began Chemo Round Two and I posted the following message on Libby’s Caring Bridge website:

I have been a “fixer” all of my life and I have the accumulated tools and workshop to prove it. When our boys were little they naïvely thought their dad could fix anything that they broke and believe me, they broke a lot. I inherited that “fixer” mentality from my dad who saved everything and was capable, in my mind at least, of fixing anything (are you sensing a pattern here?). As a boy when trying to repair a broken toy I always wanted to give up and throw it away, but my dad’s response was always the same; “Somebody, somewhere came up an idea, designed it, built all of the pieces and assembled it. The only thing you have to do is repair one little piece to make it work again.”

As a “fixer” it has always been hard to accept help from others and today was no different as I sat idly by while nurses prepared and administered Libby’s afternoon “cocktail” of Taxatere, Herceptin, Perjeta, steroids and anti-nausea drugs, hoping and praying that they would be able to fix the only girl that I have ever loved.

Caring Bridge entry by Barry 12/17/12

We had planned to celebrate my birthday after Libby’s chemo treatment but she was soon confronted with nausea, dizziness, metallic taste and loss of appetite, similar to the symptoms that she had experienced during her first round of chemo four years earlier, so we decided to postpone the birthday celebration.

A few nights later as we were getting ready for bed, Libby was scratching her head with both hands and said, “I just can’t figure out why my head keeps itching”. Then, as if a light went on, Libby raised her eyebrows and smiled awkwardly as we both remembered, at the same time, that the itching meant her hair was getting ready to fall out just like it did four years earlier.

Without much discussion nor emotion Libby said, “OK let’s get this over with.” We walked into the bathroom where I took out our trusty Wahl clippers, attached a black plastic 1/4″ guard and I gave Libby a buzz haircut, but instead of buzzing it all, I left a 2 inch wide strip of relatively long hair on the top of her head forming the perfect Mohawk.

Readers will have to take my word for this because as I stepped into the other room to get my camera and record Libby’s new hair style, she found a mirror and…well… lets just say that she was not excited about her new look. I calmly and logically explained that there was no reason to “go on the warpath” because I could easily correct it. (It was at this point that insights gained after 33 years of marriage kicked in and I decided not to take that picture). Libby insisted that I cut the remaining hair immediately becasue she said, “What if the rapture comes and I am ‘caught up together with them in the clouds’ looking like this?”.

Thanksgiving 2012 Aftermath

On October 10, 2015October 15, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

After Thanksgiving Libby had a PET scan and biopsy which confirmed Dr. Schlabach’s suspicions that the breast cancer had metastasized and so her diagnosis was unceremoniously changed to stage four peritoneal carcinomatosis.

As we began digesting this new information, I remembered the words of our surgeon following the mastectomy, Dr. Burns had told me in the waiting room that the surgery went well but, but all thirteen lymph nodes that were biopsied showed signs of cancer, which meant that he was not successful in removing it all.

We learned that attempting to stop a metastasized cancer is sometimes compared to cleaning a room after throwing handfuls of dust up into a spinning ceiling fan. Eventually some of the scattered dust can be found and removed, but if the definition of success is predicated on recovering each microscopic particle (as it is with many types of cancer) that job becomes exponentially more difficult.

When Libby’s biopsy results defined the make-up of this new cancer, a different regiment of chemotherapy drugs were selected for this new battle. Libby and I soon discovered that the metastasized breast cancer cells were not static, in other words, they doesn’t just sit still and “take it”, the cells would often morph into other forms to keep from being affected by the chemo drugs.

Well meaning friends would sometimes suggest the latest “all natural” or “organic” cancer remedy or a new miracle book ($19.95 suggested retail) which touted the latest discovery or cure “that the drug companies have been hiding” Other well intentioned friends encouraged us to travel to Houston, New York, China or Mexico for the “best” doctor, treatment or cancer clinic. But after much discussion, counsel and prayer, including one piece of advise from a trusted friend and doctor who said, ” You know, if God chooses to heal Libby he can do it with or without our help”; we made the decision that we felt was best for us, which was to seek the best medical care locally so we could stay close to home and have the support of our family and friends.

Against these seemingly insurmountable odds, Libby’s attitude remained positive and on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, while waiting on a very critical test result we heard a sermon entitled: “Living In The Time In Between”. Our Pastor prepared the message to help focus our attention on the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas (waiting for the Christ Child to born) but Libby and I saw an entirely different meaning in the timely message and scripture that Sunday morning.

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s
peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His Peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7 (NLT)

Libby’s diagnosis of Peritoneal Carcinomatosis was asymptomatic , meaning she had no symptoms, in fact, she was feeling as good as she had felt in a long time. Dr. Schalbach explained that the symptoms, would eventually include severe abdominal swelling and digestive problems, he said that because of her very high tumor marker results, he had expected Libby to show up for her appointment looking as if she were five months pregnant.

After the decision was made to stay local and seek the best, scientifically based treatments, we made a pack with one another to stay positive, never second guess our decisions and NEVER – NEVER look back. Libby was not some naive school girl and she knew the odds were not in her favor, but together we had made the conscious decision to enjoy everyday and trust in God’s grace.

Dr. Schlabach set up our schedule for Chemo round two and as we left his office Libby was giving out hugs and encouraging her doctor and staff saying, “We did this once before, now we just need to do it again.” followed by, “does anyone know a place where I can find some cute maternity clothes designed for 54 year old women?”

Family Traditions

On October 3, 2015October 3, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized2 Comments

The Thanksgiving holidays have always been extra special for the Willis clan because the entire family gathers to celebrate two holidays at once. During the first half of the day Thanksgiving is celebrated with a huge meal, then during the second half of the day Christmas is celebrated with presents, a tradition that we have kept since the beginning, and by “beginning” I mean from the time I married into the Willis family, not the very beginning when there were pilgrims.

Libby and I discussed holiday traditions with our respective families during the first year of marriage and decided that we would spend Thanksgivings with the Willis’s and our Christmases with the Gilleys. Then, as the years went by and Libby’s sisters started their own families that tradition continued.

By Wednesday November 21, 2012, the annual Willis family Thanksgiving/Christmas celebration had been in the planning stages for months, the menu had been decided and the Christmas gifts were wrapped, in fact, most of our gifts were already in the back seat of my truck as I was driving home following a meeting in Nashville.

During the drive Dr. Schlabach unexpectedly called to offer us the use of his condo in Montana for a family ski trip, but there was a long pause before he asked, “Is Libby with you right now?” “No,” I responded, unsure of where this conversation was going. “OK good……… (long pause)………Barry we need to talk…” .

Instantly I felt a tightness in my chest just as if someone were tightening several of those ratcheting cargo straps around my chest. Dr. Schlabach began explaining to me that Libby’s most recent blood test revealed certain enzymes which were given off by tumors and that Libby’s “tumor markers” numbers had gone from normal to “significantly high” and he wanted to schedule a PET scan immediately. My chest tightened a little as if the ratchets on those imaginary straps were all cinched up one click.

Now, there had been some scares in the past but something in Dr. Schlabach’s voice told me that this was different. My own voice cracked a little when I said, “Dr. Schlabach this is not the kind of news I wanted to hear” his reply was full of emotion, “It is not the kind of news that I ever wanted to have to tell you…. Barry, I am so sorry.” Click, the imaginary ratchets tightened again.

I thought Dr. Schlabach was trying to change the subject when he asked “What plans do you and Libby have for Thanksgiving?”. I explained to him about our standing tradition with Libby’s family and he said, “Do me a favor Barry, “Let Libby enjoy her family over the holidays, because……..(long pause)……I have to be honest with you here, the next part of this journey is going to be rough.” It was getting harder and harder to breathe now as the ratchets clicked once more.

What followed was the worst 24 hour period in our marriage (for me at least, up to that point) as I tried to pretend everything was normal. Libby, on the other hand, was so preoccupied with the upcoming holiday and the opportunity to get together with her family that she only asked me one time if something was bothering me and I felt another click when I lied to her.

Following a restless night, there was the usual flurry of activity on Thanksgiving morning as we loaded up the truck and drove to Libby’s sister house in La Grange, GA. During the day I forced myself to make small talk with all of the in-laws, nieces and nephews as the pressure from the proverbial straps built every time someone asked, “Hey, Barry how are you?” “Doing great,” I lied. Click. “How are you?”

When our family finished our meal and gathered in the living room to open presents, the Detroit Lions were loosing yet another Thanksgiving day game on the big screen TV when Libby said, “Wait, before we start. I need to run out to the car, I left one of my gifts.” Seeing my opportunity to catch Libby alone I called after her, “I’ll help you”.

I had made the decision during lunch as I watched Libby interact with her family, that I should tell her about Dr. Schlabach’s call and let her decide when and how to tell her family the bad news. In what may have been a first for our marriage, I caught up with Libby in the driveway and said, “Libby, we need to talk….”

Libby turned quickly with an awkward half-grin on her face, unsure of what she had just heard, but when she saw the emotion in my face and the tears in my eyes, she knew instantly that she was not going to enjoy this “talk”.

Libby had some obvious questions like, “Why did he call you instead of me?” and “Are you sure about the test?”. But, as usual, Libby took the news in stride and she wanted to be the one tell her family, but, she said, “Lets wait until after the gifts are opened so we don’t ruin the entire day for everyone”.

After opening gifts and trying to act like everything was normal, Libby and I gathered Jerod, Nathan and Bethany into the kitchen and told them the news privately before gathering all of the rest of the family. It is hard not to miss the irony when I say that I wanted to be as honest with everyone as possible since I had been lying to everyone, Libby included, for twenty four hours.

The proverbial bands around my chest had tightened so much that my lungs struggled for enough air just to say, “Before you all go back home today ” breath, “Libby wants to tell you all something…” We each turned to face Libby but the tears had already started to flow so she nodded her head toward me, the signal for me to take over. Now, as if spectators at a tennis match, the family all turned their heads in unison back to me.

I eventually got most of the message out to the family before the tears choked off the rest in what had to be the worst ending ever to our thirty three year Thanksgiving/Christmas celebration.

“Libby, this is Dr. Schlabach’s office calling with the results of your test…”

On September 26, 2015September 30, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized2 Comments

By June of 2009 Libby and I both had our fill of chemo, radiation, bald heads, wigs, steroids, estrogen depletion, barf bags and Costco sized boxes of toilet paper. It was finally over and we were looking forward to a normal life, free of needles, labs, surgical masks and appointments.

Following the final radiation treatment I asked Dr. Schlabach how often they would schedule scans in the future. His answer felt like a punch in the gut, “There will be no scheduled scans from now on, we will simply watch for symptoms.” I questioned him further and his answer haunted me for the next four years, “We don’t routinely test for secondary cancers because early detection of metastasized breast cancer does not improve life expectancy.” (Interpretation: If this comes back it will be bad and finding it early will not buy any more time) Wow, I didn’t think I had heard him correctly, or at least I was hoping I hadn’t, but he went on to say that he had been so aggressive with the surgery, chemo and radiation for the past few months because if breast cancer metastasized there is little that can be done to treat that secondary disease.

Seeing the look on my face Dr. Schlabach quickly added, “That doesn’t mean we won’t try, and new drugs are being developed every day, it’s just that the best chance of stopping breast cancer is in the primary treatment”. I would later find out that Libby was so happy to be through with all of her treatments that she was completely oblivious to the conversation I was having with Dr. Schlabach.

Two years went by before any major scans were done although they were testing Libby’s blood regularly for tumor markers. Then in January of 2011 Libby began complaining about some hip pain and so Dr. Schlabach ordered a PET scan.

Here is a Caring Bridge post:

It’s funny how quickly we can get back into a “normal” routine after being away from hospitals and treatments for several months. Then, in matter of a few seconds, every latent fear resurfaced instantly when checking messages on the answering machine as a nurse called to say, “Libby, this is Dr. Schlabach’s office calling with the results of your test…” Time stops for those few seconds until she says “…All of your test results were clear”.

Ten months after the PET scan Libby was back in the doctor’s office having her six month blood test, which for Libby, was just an opportunity to catch up with all of her friends among the staff and patients. Then, during some small talk with the Physician’s Assistant (Dr. Schlabach had taken off for the week of Thanksgiving) she asked if our family had any plans for the upcoming holidays and I told her that we had been discussing a trip out west to ski. “What a coincidence,” she said, “that’s where Dr. Schlabach and his family are this week.” After a routine checkup and more small talk, Libby made her rounds again with hugs and goodbyes for all her friends telling them all that we would see them again in six months.

Three days later, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I was driving back home from Nashville when my cell phone rang. Dr. Schlabach said, “Hi Barry how are you?” Reflexively I said, “I’m okay Dr. Schalbach, how are you?” then I added quickly without waiting for him to answer, “What’s wrong?”

Libby and I had been on this roller coaster for long time it was so easy to have a manic high from great news one minute and then in the next minute, experience a depressive low from the worst news yet. I always I prided myself for staying on an even keel, but now, with this unexpected call from Dr. Schlabach, I felt my composure slipping away and my heart was racing.

“Is there something wrong?” I asked him again. “Oh,” he finally said, “I just heard that you were thinking about taking a ski trip out west and I wanted to invite your family to stay in our Big Sky condo.” “Wow,” I said, “that is very generous of you. I was afraid you were calling me with bad news” Dr. Schlabach went on to tell me about the condo, the current skiing conditions, some of his favorite runs and quiet frankly a lot of other things to which I paid no attention because I was so relieved that he wasn’t calling me with some bad test result I couldn’t really concentrate on the details.

With my heart rate returning to normal and the lump in my throat gone, we agreed to talk in a few weeks to firm up our travel plans and ended the conversation when I said, “I’ll talk it over with Libby and we will get back to you soon.”

The pause was so long that I thought the cell connection had been dropped. Then as if it was an afterthought Dr. Schlabach asked, “Speaking of Libby, is she with you right now?” “No,” I said, my heart quickening. “Good,” said our doctor, “you and I need to talk about something…”

Biking to Florida

On September 19, 2015September 19, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized1 Comment

“Wow Barry, what happened to you? You look different!” That was Libby’s reaction in the fall of 1972 as we both began our freshman year of high school. Apparently, I had changed since leaving Chattanooga Valley Junior High three months earlier thanks, in part, to a short growth spurt and a long bike ride.

When the 3:15 bell rang on our last day of class in Junior High my mom drove me to Nashville, Tennessee where I met up with a group of guys to begin a seventeen day, 1000 mile bicycle ride to Miami Beach, Florida. For a year I had been planning, exercising, and raising money for a trip that I was scheduled to take with these guys who had come from various churches throughout the United States. The forty bicyclist represented twenty-five different states and we were scheduled to be at the Church of the Nazarene General Assembly which was being held in just over two weeks at the Miami Beach Convention Center.

Collectively our bicycling group was called “The Spokesmen” and along the way we sang, spoke and stayed in churches as we biked through Tennessee, Georgia and down the coastline of Florida to Miami. In addition to bicycles, our caravan had a portable kitchen, motorcycle escorts, vans and mechanics traveling with us as we pedaled our “state of the art” Schwinn Continental ten speed bicycles between 65 and 110 miles each day.

During that summer in Florida between Junior High and High School I grew 4 inches and added 25 pounds to my skinny 5″-9″ and 120 pound frame which may explain why Libby claimed that she barely recognized me when she asked the question, ” Wow what happened to you?”

After the bike ride I stayed several more weeks in Florida with family friends where we spent most days water skiing or surfing. Besides the physical changes that came with an adolescent growth spurt, 1000 miles of biking, lots of time in the water and copious amounts of food; looking back now, I realize how much confidence, self-discipline and perseverance that I gained as well.

Six years later when Libby and I were engaged to be married, she saved up her money from her Red Food Store cashier job and purchased an expensive Italian-made Bianchi bicycle as birthday gift for me, encouraging me to continue riding. I would often tease her and say that just because my physique was radically changed by a bike ride when I was 14, doesn’t mean it will happen again. Libby’s response was always the same, “Barry, that’s not the reason I bought the bike for you. I bought the bike because I love you; Of course if you ride enough…???…who knows???”

I did make lots of bicycling trips in the next 30 years, including one memorable ride on a tandem bicycle with my niece Samantha Gilley where we went from Chattanooga to Memphis, TN to raise money for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

After Libby’s breast cancer diagnosis, chemo and radiation treatments, we were all looking for a little distraction from all of the doctor visits, so we decided to put together a bicycling trip. I made the following two posts to the Caring Bridge website during that time; one during our trip and one shortly afterward we arrived back home:

Barry Gilley — Aug 19, 2009 7:24pm

Greetings from Troy, Alabama! Libby is acting as our support vehicle this week while Nathan and I ride our bicycles from our house to Destin, Florida. We have 290 miles behind us and about 130 miles remaining, dodging storms and high winds from tropical depressions while Libby is driving her car, reading her books and supplying us with water, ice, Gatorade and encouragement. Jerod is working this week but will meet us in Destin tomorrow night and we will relax a few days on the beach before riding back home (everybody in cars this time).

The MRI that was originally scheduled a few weeks ago, was canceled as the doctor wanted to give it a few more days without the drug. Libby has now been almost a month without the estrogen suppressant drug and the headaches and some dizziness are still persistent. Libby called her oncologist yesterday and he has re-scheduled the MRI for Tuesday August 25th at 10:15 AM.

We are praying that we can find the cause of the headaches and find a way to treat them. Thanks for taking the time to keep up with Libby and for keeping her in your prayers.

By Barry Gilley — Aug 26, 2009 7:19am

Dr. Schlabaugh’s office called late yesterday to say that the head MRI showed no signs of cancer! GREAT NEWS!

As Libby and I drove back home following our Florida bike trip we listened to some CD’s on marriage and communication. One of the lessons stated that to be a good communicator one should tell the audience what you want them to know and then briefly summarize it to make sure you are being understood. So I am going to apply some of the knowledge I have learned about communication by summarizing the first part of this entry to make sure all of you understand:

“Libby had a brain scan MRI on Tuesday at Erlanger Hospital and they couldn’t find anything at all”.

I think those CD’s are really working!

Barry

Our 30th Anniversary Celebration

On September 11, 2015September 11, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Don’t get me wrong here, all of them are important, but I eventually learned that the double-digit numbers, divisible by 5, are really important when it comes to anniversary celebrations 10, 15, 20 and 25 years, etc.

Knowing that the gift I was planning would take a lot of time to put together, by the fall of 2008 I was already making some big plans for our 30th wedding anniversary the following spring. I had ordered a large set of matching luggage and planned to hide tickets for an Alaskan excursion in the smallest carry-on piece as a Christmas present to Libby. Admittedly, I was killing two birds with one stone here because she would be getting one gift for both Christmas and our anniversary (plus the luggage) if anyone is keeping score.

Our lives, and their priorities changed so drastically after the cancer diagnosis that I never ordered the airline tickets and, quiet frankly, forgot all about plans for our anniversary excursion. When the backordered luggage finally arrived there were so many more pressing issues on my mind that I casually stored the gift in an un-used closet, where they have remained ever since, still nested together like colorful Russian dolls.

That spring, as our 30th wedding anniversary approached we were not on our way to Alaska, although we had discussed the possibility many times, that trip was way down the list of our priorities. Even though we were not going to exotic places we were having fun as evidenced by the blog “OK, Now I Remember—— What I Forgot!” where I told the story about the time Libby forgot her wig and was seen out in public for the first time with her ultra short hair. It was the early part of June in 2009 and I was posting health updates on a site called Caring Bridge; here is an entry I made to that site after Libby went out in public without a wig.

Caring Bridge Site Post By Barry Gilley — Jun 9, 2009 10:57am

… until our trip to the Pizza Hut very few people had seen my “silver fox”. This venture out into public without her wig was a major step for Libby and it has started a chain reaction because the next day on Sunday morning, Libby wore a hat to church without a wig. Then on Sunday night there was no wig and no hat, but the change to Libby’s appearance was so radical that when she went to radiation therapy on Monday (without a wig) no one in the office recognized her! So, just to let you know that from now on when you see Libby in public she could look just the same as she used to (in her brown wig) as seen below,

or she may look like the red-headed ski bunny (in her red wig),

or the mysterious woman in a hat

or the silver fox (my wife of 30 years).

That’s right, its hard for me to believe but as I am writing this entry, today, June 9th 2009 it is our 30 wedding anniversary, we were supposed to be in Alaska but we are celebrating in the radiation lab. Thursday is our last day of radiation and we do plan to celebrate our anniversary and the end of all treatments this weekend.

Thank you for praying for my beautiful wife.

Barry

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Makeup, Hairdos and Tattoos

On September 4, 2015September 4, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized5 Comments

After thirty years of marriage and lots of conversations starting with, “Barry…We need to talk…”, one would think that every subject imaginable had been discussed. Occasionally those conversations happened simply because Libby wanted to talk, but many times when she said, “Barry…We need to talk…”, it meant I was in trouble and it didn’t take long to discover that, with Libby, there was a right and a wrong, a black and a white but very few greys.

Following Libby’s diagnosis of breast cancer we were introduced to a whole host of subjects that, until now, we had never even considered, much less discussed. We were both making adjustments continually because our lives were completely different BC (Before Cancer) than they were AC (After Cancer):

BC (Before Cancer) Libby never had to advise me as to the best methods for washing, conditioning, drying, combing and fixing her hair.

BC I never would have dreamed of offering an opinion about whether Libby would look better with spiked hair or with it parted on the side in a “boy cut”.

BC I never thought that Libby would ask me to help her apply her Merle Norman foundation, makeup, blush and eye liner stuff.

BC I never dreamed that we would be casually viewing photos and discussing breast implants options with a plastic surgeon.

And finally, BC I never dreamed that one day I would be encouraging Libby to get a tattoo:

Following chemo treatments, on Libby’s first visit to the radiologists’ office, a bubbly young nurse was escorting us back to the exam room when she nonchalantly turned to Libby and asked in her perky little Smurf voice, “So, Mrs. Gilley, what kind of tattoo are you planning to get? Libby stopped dead in her tracks, unwilling to go any further as she called out to the nurse who had continued walking down the hallway. “I’m not real sure I understand what you are talking about Nurse Perky, but I’m certainly not getting a tattoo!”,

(OK, I took some literary license there, Libby didn’t actually call her “Nurse Perky” because in the last few minutes Libby had taken the time to learn our nurse’s real name, her hobbies, how many siblings she had, what church she attended, where she did her postgraduate work, her favorite Christian artist and who she was dating. I, however, did not even bother to learn her name, so Nurse Perky it is; besides this is my story.)

Nurse Perky came back to where Libby was planted and gently guided her into the exam room as she explained that some people get a tattoo to cover up the radiation alignment marks that she was about to receive. Perky also said that it became a kind of “badge of honor” for many of their female cancer patients to incorporate the ink spots into the eyes of a dolphin or the antenna of a butterfly tattoo.

After dropping the tattoo bombshell, Nurse Perky left the room just as Dr. Getner entered to find an agitated Libby who explained as succinctly and briskly as she was able that she would not be getting ink dots, initials, a dolphin or a butterfly tattoo, today or at any time in the future and if that was what this procedure was going to involve, she would just leave now.

Dr. Getner had unknowingly walked into a hornet’s nest as he attempted to explain to Libby that alignment was critical and permanent ink tattoos were the preferred method, adding that they had tried using a Sharpie to make the marks but if it wore off then it would mean a long involved process of re-marking and equipment re-calibration.

I offered to Libby, what I thought were some helpful suggestions for a tattoo such as “mom”, “Barry”, and a heart with our initials, etc. but I received one of those looks that made me reconsider my input altogether.

A compromise was reached when Libby earnestly reassured her doctor that if he used a Sharpie, the marks would stay on for the duration of the six-week treatment. We kept that promise by taping plastic over the Sharpie marks every time Libby showered and strategically placing Band-Aids to prevent her clothes from wearing the marks off for the next two months. Those precautions and retouching with a Sharpie anytime the mark started to fade were the only things that kept Libby from becoming a tattooed lady and slipping into the dark side.

The technicians took this picture to show me that she even smiled during radiation treatments:

“OK, Now I Remember—— What I Forgot!

On August 29, 2015August 29, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized1 Comment

As Libby’s hair began to grow back following the chemotherapy, her once dark hair came in solid white and began to curl into hundreds of fine little ringlets perfectly sized to wrap around a pinky finger. Soon after the goose down hair started growing those same damaged hair follicles began producing thicker and darker hair, now capped with those fine, curly, white tips. Libby was not accustomed to change in any form, especially when it came to her hair, so she was slow to embrace the new look and unwilling to be seen in public without one of her wigs.

Nathan, Jerod and I were commenting on the unique and attractive look of Libby’s hair one Saturday night during one of our planned family nights. Embarrassed by the compliments and the attention she was getting, Libby got up from the couch to go start dinner but after standing, she awkwardly stepped sideways, and nearly passed out as three sets of hands gently guided her back to her seat. A combination of residual chemo drugs and radiation treatments often affected Libby’s balance and rising quickly from a seated position increased those odds.

Even after a diagnosis of cancer, which made us all reevaluate our priorities, it is embarrassing how quickly each one of us became overly busy with life. In fact we all became so preoccupied with our own lives that we had to schedule family nights at our house. This particular night was planned to be a simple meal around the dinner table, but after the light-headed spell subsided, we convinced Libby that riding in the truck to and from St. Elmo and sharing a pizza would probably net us more family time than cooking at home.

Noticing the time and worried that the restaurant would soon close, we hurriedly gathered up to leave. Libby never liked to be rushed when going anywhere, so it she became anxious as I hustled her toward the truck glancing back over her shoulder. “What are looking for? I asked, “I don’t really know, ” Libby answered, “it just feels like I’m leaving something”, then after making one last unsuccessful sweep of the room, we left for the restaurant.

Mr. T’s Pizza is our favorite pizza place located just a few miles from our house in a condensed little area of St. Elmo, TN with several intersecting roads, pedestrians, tourists and restaurants all within walking distance of one another. Libby flipped down the sun visor on her side of the truck as we approached the restaurant so she could check her makeup in the small mirror, a move that always obscured my view out the passenger side of the truck. Then, just seconds into her primping session, we all heard the scream.

I instantly hit the brakes, anticipating air bag deployment and bracing for impact; I was confident we were about to crash, then, after several seconds, during which time no one died, I asked, much louder than was necessary, “WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?” Libby calmly turned toward me with an awkward, sheepish grin as she flipped her wrist to close the sun visor/mirror combination. Cocking her head to one side and shrugging her shoulders she said in a soft voice, “Now I remember what forgot!”

Still in shock over the scream, angry and confused, I whined, “What did you forget Libby?” She turned her shoulders a full 90 degrees to look straight at me and then Libby struck a pose while pointing to her head in a gesture which was supposed to make it obvious why she was upset. Libby’s eyebrows (okay, what used to be her eyebrows) were raised and her head cocked to one side as if I should be able to guess what was going on without any hints. Dumbfounded, we all three stared at Libby and at one another without venturing a guess as to why she was so upset. Eventually giving in with disgust Libby said, “My hair guys! My hair, I can’t believe none of you noticed! I left my hair at home, I can’t go anywhere looking like this.”

I probably should not have laughed as hard as I did but we had seen her so much without the wig that it never crossed our minds that she had left it. It was so traumatic to Libby that later she equated the experience to the nightmares common in young school-age children who dream of going to school but forget to put on clothes.

The boys and I pulled out all of the stops to convince Libby to go into the restaurant including but not limited to: “Mom you look great. There are only a few cars in the parking lot. No one will know us there,” and finally, “No one else has a hair do like yours”. Hunger pains and a compromise finally convinced her that we had to eat somewhere. The compromise was that we would go to Pizza Hut instead of Mr. T’s because in Libby’s words, “I don’t know anyone who goes to Pizza Hut anymore, but if we go to Mr. T’s we are sure to see someone we know.”

That day was a turning point in Libby’s post cancer treatment life and a huge boost to her self-confidence because the next morning Libby went to church for the first time ever without a wig and she made short hair look awesome.

No Mo’ Chemo Party

On August 21, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized2 Comments

In March of 2009 Libby and I returned from an unusually cold ski trip in Big Sky, Montana to an unusually warm early spring in Flintstone, GA as she was nearing the end of her chemo treatments. The remainder of her treatments were uneventful as Libby adapted to the sleepless nights from the steroids, the nausea from the harsh drugs, the hot flashes due to the estrogen suppression drugs, dry mouth sores, the joint aches, the nose bleeds and headaches. Okay, in retrospect, maybe “uneventful” was a poor choice of words to start that sentence but we both knew that it could have been much worse because we saw it every trip we made to the infusion lab.

I had been working for several months on a way to celebrate the end of Libby’s chemotherapy treatments and I posted this on our Caring Bridge webpage, “People like to say they plan to ‘party like there is no tomorrow’ but for this event, we are going to ‘party like there is no more chemo’!”

Dubbed the “No Mo’ Chemo Party” hundreds of friends and family packed into our church on the evening of April 4th 2009 as we celebrated the end of Libby’s chemotherapy. Our good friend Doug Richesin sang several songs and was accompanied at different times by the children from church, the teens and the Chattanooga Valley Community Choir, along with tributes from many others. The concert was then followed by a covered dish supper and fellowship.

During one portion of the NO MO’ CHEMO party, Libby introduced a duet with these words:

I Am Blessed (Libby Gilley)

Before my precious friend Helen Hawkins and Doug Richesin come and sing the next song, I want to tell you, my family and friends; thank you for all the love and support you’ve given me along this journey and I want to tell each one of you how humbled I am that you are here to share this very special day with me. When I look out at each of your faces, I want to tell you that you have loved me well. You have been like the four friends in Mark’s gospel who literally carried their friend, overcoming many obstacles and sacrificing much to place their friend at the feet of Jesus. During these past months, you have carried me to Jesus in many ways.

As I thought about the words to the upcoming song entitled, “I Am Blessed” I decided to take each letter of the word Blessed to describe how all of you have truly been the body of Christ to me.

The first letter B stands for Barry, my beloved husband. Through all the scans, tests, doctors appointments, treatments, good news and bad he has been there every step of the way. His unwavering love for me through these difficult months has truly been one of God’s most good and perfect gifts. He has seen me at my worst yet his unconditional love has remained constant. He has cared for me so tenderly and deeply with such grace at times, when I have looked into his face I know I have seen the very face of Jesus.

B also reminds me of my boys, Jerod and Nathan. I am so proud of the young men they have become and through all of this they will see Jesus more clearly. Jerod, your humor has made such a difference, you have helped me laugh at my self when I would just have soon cried and laughter is wonderful medicine. The lunch dates have been a special treat and your thoughtfulness about my feelings, along with all the little things you do I will always treasure. Nathan, our long talks about God and His ways, the great back rubs, shaving my head and your sweet words are great memories that I will revisit many times.

L reminds me of my loving family. My mom and dad, Kathleen and Jimmie Willis and my mother and father in law Maurice and Joyce Gilley who are the definition of commitment, faithfulness and devotion, not only to each other as well as to their families, but more importantly to God. Their legacy I have valued highly and I pray that Barry and I have passed this along to our children. My sisters, sisters in law and brothers in law have been there for me, encouraging, loving and praying for me. I knew all I had to do was make one call and they would come running for anything I needed.

E stands for encouraging church family and friends. You have sent cards and emails, prepared delicious meals, cleaned my house, made homemade rolls, brought me great books and gifts, held my hand through chemo treatments and have lifted me up through intercessory prayer. God has seen every sacrifice you have made on my behalf and I know He will bless you because you have blessed me so much.

The first S stands for Sovereign Savior. Jesus you alone are my center, my rock. You have held me so tightly at times I felt you would surely break me, but I was confident you were engraving me on the palms of your hands and would not let me go. At times when this journey has been hard, dark and lonely, you have reminded me that it is because you placed me in the cleft of the rock and covered me with your nail scared hand. Jesus I have truly learned you will never leave or forsake me and am confident I can trust you. I can never thank you enough, but I hope to live a life that honors you in all I do.

The second S is for suffering and I know some of you are saying suffering can’t be a part of being blessed by God. I used to think that too but when you suffer and you are a child of God you are often moving into miracle territory. You are never more like Jesus than when you suffer and only God gets the glory for bringing you through. I have come to know Jesus in such a personal, intimate way. He has held me in His strong arms so closely that I can almost hear His heart beating. When you realize how much Christ suffered to pay the penalty for your sin going to the cross and shedding His precious sinless blood for you it changes you. Walking the path of suffering yourself cannot even come close to what He went through but it makes you want to live for Him. I’m so thankful I will get to enjoy Him for ever in my Heavenly home.

The second E is for exceptional Doctors and nurses. They are the crème_de_la_crèm , the best of the best. They are intelligent, caring, interested in me personally and have made sure I have had the best medical care available. I love each of them and am grateful for them in my life.

The last letter D is for Divine intervention. All of the reasons I have listed above are all part of God’s plan for my healing. You have been used of God in my life and have been part of that plan. Thank you for choosing to be a part of His divine plan. As I learned in our study of Daniel, some time God rescues us from the fire, sometimes through the fire, and sometimes by the fire into His precious arms. I don’t know the future but I do know my Savior and He has promised everything He has allowed in my life will somehow work together for my good and His glory!

Yes, I am truly blessed!!

Libby Gilley

Ski Trip And The End of Chemo Celebration

On August 14, 2015August 14, 2015 By Barry GilleyIn Uncategorized4 Comments

During one of our many meetings Dr. Schlabach asked what kinds of activity that Libby and I enjoyed and we told him that our typical family vacations involved snow skiing. I could tell by the way Dr. Schlabach’s face lit up that he was intrigued with our answer and he asked about our favorite destination and Libby and I each told him a brief story about one of our family ski trips. One of those stories was our first “out west” ski trip which began with a 36 hour drive to Crested Butte, Colorado with our friends Kelly and Helen Hawkins and all of our kids. A few days into skiing both Libby and Helen suspiciously injured their knees and couldn’t ski, but they both managed to walk to slope side restaurants where they would sip hot cocoa or relax in the hot tub and then shop for hours on end for the remainder of the week.

We also told Dr. Schlabach about one of our favorite trips to Big Sky, Montana and he asked specific questions about our favorite runs, places to eat, and where we stayed; then he went on to tell us that he had a cabin in Big Sky where he and his family would go several times a year.

Later in the conversation Dr. Schlabach asked if we were going to ski this winter and we said that we were a little afraid to go during chemo treatments for fear of Libby getting sick. Our doctor offered a solution, “If your family goes out to Big Sky while I am there with my family, then if Libby gets sick I will be there to take care of her”, but when our schedules did not match up Dr. Schlabach said, “I am confident that Libby will not get sick from the remaining drugs, so check your schedule and I’ll see when my cabin is booked, maybe it will work out for you to stay there.

With assurances that fresh mountain air would be beneficial and help to get our mind off of things we rented Dr. Schlabach’s cabin at a reduced rate and booked our flights to leave on Sunday March 8, 2009 just a week after Libby’s 52nd birthday.

There were lots of things happening in the winter of 2009, including Libby’s treatment, trial drugs, her mom’s recent cancer surgery, preparations for Libby’s radiation treatments and plans that I had been making for several months to celebrate the end of Libby’s chemotherapy treatments by throwing a party.

The NO MOE CHEMO party actually started out with the idea of getting together with a few close friends and going out to eat to celebrate the end of the chemo treatments, but the sheer volume of people who were following Libby’s progress on her Caring Bridge site, other churches, prayer chains, emails and plain old word-of-mouth was staggering. After a short time of planning this celebration it was evident to me that this thing had a life of its own and was going to be bigger than any of us ever thought.

Two years earlier, in March of 2007, I had thrown a surprise 50th birthday party for Libby so building on that list of contacts I began planning the NO MOE CHEMO party as a simple gathering of a few close friends and family but it morphed into an overflow crowd in our church with just over 400 people and included tributes in song from children, teens, friends and the Chattanooga Valley Community Choir.

The following is an excerpt from my Caring Bridge Journal as we arrived back home from our trip:

By Barry Gilley — Mar 18, 2009 4:23pm

Well, a lot has happened since we last posted in Caring Bridge; our trip to Montana was GREAT, we had a lot of snow the first two days that we were there and cold weather (-12 at night and +10 degrees in the afternoons) then later in the week it quit snowing and the sun warmed us up to a comfortable +25 degrees. The conditions were perfect and the skiing was over too soon. We did get Libby out on the slopes after it warmed up, but she really preferred the peace and quiet of our cabin with its views of the slopes and afternoon naps in front of the fireplace.

The Chemo countdown is on, with less than one week until Libby’s final Chemo treatment on Monday March 23rd! After that, it is only a few days until the NO MOE CHEMO party that we have been planning. It will be a concert and covered dish supper on Saturday April 4th at 5:00 PM at Chattanooga Valley Church of the Nazarene in Flintstone, GA. We are expecting a large crowd so come early to help us celebrate and bring your best dish and a drink.

We had our introductory meeting with our radiologist (Dr. Gefter) on Monday and radiation will begin about a month following her final chemotherapy treatment, so sometime around the end of April. Libby will go in for radiation treatment everyday, five days a week, for 6 ½ weeks, likely ending sometime in the second week of June (all details are not worked out). After initial setup, Dr. Gefter said that her treatments will take about 20 minutes each with only minimal effects at the beginning, but the cumulative effects of fatigue, itching, burning, and weight loss will be a concern. He said just when she begins to recover from the side affects of the Chemo we are going to “zap you” again.